I Know We Are Right, It's Not Always Clear, Because I've Never Felt The Fear, Can It Stay So Good, Forever In Time?

--"No More Rhyme", Debbie Gibson

I've owned one car in my life, even though I've driven four. The only car I've ever owned was a 2000 Kia Sephia that I probably got ripped off on. I tried to do it on my own without any help from my family or friends because I was attempting very hard to be seen as an adult in the eyes of everyone concerned. Compound this with the fact it was a total impulse buy. I walked into the dealership planning to only take a look around and came out driving a brand new car. As aforementioned, I have the skulking suspicion I ended up overpaying by a lot and could have driven a harder bargain had I known better.

I'm recalling the experience because, as of last week, I am again without transportation. Once again I'm in the process of securing a new vehicle with which to go about my daily business. Part of me is excited because it's going to be the first car that I really did a lot of research on--well, at least for me. Some people might spend months and months reading up and asking for advice on what the best car for them is, but I'm really proud of myself for even spending the last six or seven days doing a few hours of research for this purchase. That's more time than I usually take to decide to buy anything. I suppose it befits the importance of my decision. I suppose it befits the amount of time I'll actually be spending with this car. But honestly I think it has more to do with the fact that I've always felt like I failed at my first opportunity to buy a brand new car.

I just don't want to fuck this up, basically.

Part of the reason why I wasn't really in my right mind with that first purchase was that money really wasn't all that of a concern to me. I wasn't rich--that's not what I meant. I just meant that at the time I had a credit card that had over twenty thousand dollars on it. I was probably spending close to a thousand on frivolous items at the time--mostly on DeAnn, but some of it on me. Buying a car, putting another twenty thousand on credit--however you want to phrase it--didn't feel like I was losing anything. It's like I was feeling at the time that there was no way I would be ever to pay back the twenty thousand I had on my credit card. How much more trouble could putting another twenty-thousand be? It's like it was all pretend money to me, when it really wasn't. I just never had the sense that I'd ever really be paying it all back anyway.

This time, though, I'm kind of worried if I don't get a good deal. This time I'm actually worried about how it's going to affect my finances. This time I'm actually worried about how long it's going to take to pay back. This time I'm actually worried about making the right choices and settling on a good price.

In a way this is really my first time buying a car, or buying anything of any import for the matter, the "right" way. I don't know--I guess because I feel like the first time didn't count but also because I learned a lot about what not to do, I want do it right. I want to make sure that at the end of this week or whenever I'm completely satisfied that I did everything to the best of my knowledge. I want to make sure that I'm not going to look back upon the next few days and regret fucking up again.

That's all I want--more than the car, I want the satisfaction of making somewhat an adult decision for once.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers