Cause I'm Not Scared, But I'd Like Some Extra Spare Time, I'm Not Scared, But The Bills Keep Changing Colors
--"Pictures of Success", Rilo Kiley
After working for three years and ten months at Fujitsu Ten Corporation of America my position was officially eliminated January 5th, 2010.
More precisely, the Eclipse division at Fujitsu Ten was folded, making my job non-existent.
My first thoughts as it was happening was how surprising it was. We had recently made a push to increase sales from the end of November till the December break. I was told we were making this move in an effort to drive up revenue so that we wouldn't have to fold the business. I also was quite alarmed that they would let go of so many people right after the holidays. I mean--getting fired is never something one expects unless one is totally inept at one's job, but the timing was kind of hinky since the break gave mostly everyone that there was some stability. At least that's the way it was for me. As the day wore on and as I was dragged through the various stages of learning where I would go from that point--unemployment briefings, receiving information about COBRA coverage, and signing all the various forms--the tone of the day started to change. Rather than getting more depressed or anxious, I started feeling the opposite. I started to see the value of the opportunity I was being given. In a sense the realization that there were a lot of baggage associated with my job that I would be getting rid started to dawn on me.
It's no secret that there were a lot of customers I simply did not like dealing with on a day-to-day basis at my job. Hell, there were a lot of co-workers in other departments that I did not like dealing with very much either. That was the first light at the end of the tunnel for me. Never having to hear their crass and often idiotic arguments almost makes up for the loss of gainful employment. Never having to play the office politics games, the bow and scraping that goes on in an office work environment such as ours, almost makes up for the loss of a sense of identity in this world. Lastly, never having to go to a place that always felt like a distraction almost makes up for the loss of direction that I'm currently in the beginning throes of.
Losing my job isn't my ideal way to begin the new year, but it isn't the nightmare that it sounds like from the outside.
I'm not scared right now. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I've been unemployed before in much worse scenarios. But between the sizable severance package I got and, hopefully, unemployment I should be able to subsist for more than a few months. It isn't cool that I just bought a new car in the midst of this turmoil, but having the new car also means that I have the wherewithal to actually go to all those job interviews I'm trying to line up. It also means now I have the time and the vehicle to just get away from it all for a couple of days or a week maybe if I really wanted to. I'm having all those sorts of thoughts about what I should be doing now that I have the time--all the books I want to read, places I want to visit, the people I want to see, &c... It's like all those ideas I had locked away when I simply didn't have the hours in the day to achieve have all been uncovered again. And now it's time to catch up on some of those promises.
Chief among those promises would be the promise of writing again. Aside from my occasional musings here, having a full-time job had sapped all will to get anything done writing wise. I would come home and just vege out on the couch because I had just spent day parked in front of a computer. The last thing I wanted to do was park myself in front of another computer and try to compose something imaginative. It sapped all of my spirit in getting excited about projects. I kept procrastinating doing something about all those story ideas I had had floating around my head all day at work.
But no longer. Now is the time to get cracking on those stories again. Now is the time to limber up those creative muscles, to turn the spigot and get those writing juices flowing again. I'm a writer damn it and it's about time I remembered that, damn it all.
In that vein I shall once again be taking up the pen and placing it to paper on a project I once called The Carisa Meridian. I feel really bad that it's taken me over five years now to get it done. And now that I have nothing to do really but focus on my writing again, getting it done will be what I shall endeavor to do first. There's gold in there. It may not be the finest piece of literature ever written and it may not be the great America novel--not by a long shot--but just re-reading it today, I can honestly say it's the best thing I've ever written. There are characters there that I spent a long time crafting. There are ideas there that I forget I was capable of expressing. There's a whole lot of time, sweat, and energy there that translates to something decent and good insofar as I'm capable of creating something decent and good.
I've been lackadaisical in my approach to writing these last few years, concentrating on shorter pieces and letting my edge dull a bit as I wrote line after line about stuff that really didn't fire me up. Just rereading the first ten pages of my novel, my baby, has made me recall what a better writer I am when I'm actually caught up in something that excites me. It's made me remember how ignited the words can be when they're fueled by something approximating true passion. It's like a whole other activity. I might be writing here, but when I'm in the zone like I am with my novel, it's like I'm not even consciously doing anything. The words and thoughts are literally pouring out of me. If anything, I'm doing all I can to stem the flow in a distinguishable manner just so it doesn't come spilling out all over the place. When I'm writing here I'm creating something, sure. But when I'm writing something grand like Carisa, it's more like I'm guiding something miraculous home. I'm not doing anything but helping the real beauty, the real genius find its way back to where it belongs.
I need to finish this novel before I find another job. I don't know when I'll have another opportunity like this one to just bring something that good completely to life.
I would consider it a great shame if I just allowed it to stay in the state it's in now.
Yes, I'll be looking for work in the mean time and, yes, I know in the scope of things that's where my focus should be. But finding a job or having a job will always be what occupies my time. It'll always be just a means to an end.
Writing is what I really do. Writing is what I really am.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
After working for three years and ten months at Fujitsu Ten Corporation of America my position was officially eliminated January 5th, 2010.More precisely, the Eclipse division at Fujitsu Ten was folded, making my job non-existent.
My first thoughts as it was happening was how surprising it was. We had recently made a push to increase sales from the end of November till the December break. I was told we were making this move in an effort to drive up revenue so that we wouldn't have to fold the business. I also was quite alarmed that they would let go of so many people right after the holidays. I mean--getting fired is never something one expects unless one is totally inept at one's job, but the timing was kind of hinky since the break gave mostly everyone that there was some stability. At least that's the way it was for me. As the day wore on and as I was dragged through the various stages of learning where I would go from that point--unemployment briefings, receiving information about COBRA coverage, and signing all the various forms--the tone of the day started to change. Rather than getting more depressed or anxious, I started feeling the opposite. I started to see the value of the opportunity I was being given. In a sense the realization that there were a lot of baggage associated with my job that I would be getting rid started to dawn on me.
It's no secret that there were a lot of customers I simply did not like dealing with on a day-to-day basis at my job. Hell, there were a lot of co-workers in other departments that I did not like dealing with very much either. That was the first light at the end of the tunnel for me. Never having to hear their crass and often idiotic arguments almost makes up for the loss of gainful employment. Never having to play the office politics games, the bow and scraping that goes on in an office work environment such as ours, almost makes up for the loss of a sense of identity in this world. Lastly, never having to go to a place that always felt like a distraction almost makes up for the loss of direction that I'm currently in the beginning throes of.
Losing my job isn't my ideal way to begin the new year, but it isn't the nightmare that it sounds like from the outside.
I'm not scared right now. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I've been unemployed before in much worse scenarios. But between the sizable severance package I got and, hopefully, unemployment I should be able to subsist for more than a few months. It isn't cool that I just bought a new car in the midst of this turmoil, but having the new car also means that I have the wherewithal to actually go to all those job interviews I'm trying to line up. It also means now I have the time and the vehicle to just get away from it all for a couple of days or a week maybe if I really wanted to. I'm having all those sorts of thoughts about what I should be doing now that I have the time--all the books I want to read, places I want to visit, the people I want to see, &c... It's like all those ideas I had locked away when I simply didn't have the hours in the day to achieve have all been uncovered again. And now it's time to catch up on some of those promises.
Chief among those promises would be the promise of writing again. Aside from my occasional musings here, having a full-time job had sapped all will to get anything done writing wise. I would come home and just vege out on the couch because I had just spent day parked in front of a computer. The last thing I wanted to do was park myself in front of another computer and try to compose something imaginative. It sapped all of my spirit in getting excited about projects. I kept procrastinating doing something about all those story ideas I had had floating around my head all day at work.
But no longer. Now is the time to get cracking on those stories again. Now is the time to limber up those creative muscles, to turn the spigot and get those writing juices flowing again. I'm a writer damn it and it's about time I remembered that, damn it all.
In that vein I shall once again be taking up the pen and placing it to paper on a project I once called The Carisa Meridian. I feel really bad that it's taken me over five years now to get it done. And now that I have nothing to do really but focus on my writing again, getting it done will be what I shall endeavor to do first. There's gold in there. It may not be the finest piece of literature ever written and it may not be the great America novel--not by a long shot--but just re-reading it today, I can honestly say it's the best thing I've ever written. There are characters there that I spent a long time crafting. There are ideas there that I forget I was capable of expressing. There's a whole lot of time, sweat, and energy there that translates to something decent and good insofar as I'm capable of creating something decent and good.
I've been lackadaisical in my approach to writing these last few years, concentrating on shorter pieces and letting my edge dull a bit as I wrote line after line about stuff that really didn't fire me up. Just rereading the first ten pages of my novel, my baby, has made me recall what a better writer I am when I'm actually caught up in something that excites me. It's made me remember how ignited the words can be when they're fueled by something approximating true passion. It's like a whole other activity. I might be writing here, but when I'm in the zone like I am with my novel, it's like I'm not even consciously doing anything. The words and thoughts are literally pouring out of me. If anything, I'm doing all I can to stem the flow in a distinguishable manner just so it doesn't come spilling out all over the place. When I'm writing here I'm creating something, sure. But when I'm writing something grand like Carisa, it's more like I'm guiding something miraculous home. I'm not doing anything but helping the real beauty, the real genius find its way back to where it belongs.
I need to finish this novel before I find another job. I don't know when I'll have another opportunity like this one to just bring something that good completely to life.
I would consider it a great shame if I just allowed it to stay in the state it's in now.
Yes, I'll be looking for work in the mean time and, yes, I know in the scope of things that's where my focus should be. But finding a job or having a job will always be what occupies my time. It'll always be just a means to an end.
Writing is what I really do. Writing is what I really am.
Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers
Labels: being fired, Rilo Kiley, The Carisa Meridian, unemployment, writing
posted by mojo shivers @ 1:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home